


I'm Scared

by lupinseclipse



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: 4am meltdown, A park, Angst, Baz is amazing, Crying, Fluff, Gay, I WROTE THIS AT ONE AM DONT JUDGE ME OKAY, Kisses, M/M, Mlm fluff, Simon is fucked up, Simon is upset, Simons super scared, SnowBaz, Snowbaz get together, carry on, idk what else to tag..., its cold, loving boyfriend, mlm, no magic, snowbaz fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-24
Updated: 2020-08-24
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:00:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26074570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lupinseclipse/pseuds/lupinseclipse
Summary: Simon has a lot going on right now. And kissing Baz at 4am in a park just tips him over the edge.Oh Si...What are we going to do with you?
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Comments: 2
Kudos: 66





	I'm Scared

**Author's Note:**

> YALL HERES ANOTHER IMPULSE SNOWBAZ FIC WRITTEN AT MIDNIGYT ENJOY

**Simon**

Oh fuck... He's kissing me. I'm kissing him. Oh Crowley what am I doing? Why am I doing this? Oh Merlin... I don't know what I'm doing. Please Alistair Crowley some one tell me what I'm supposed to do. Oh no.

I don't know why I'm kissing him. Maybe it's because he was talking too much. Or because he was looking at me like _that._

It's 4am? I'm scared... I'm about to have a panic attack. What am I supposed to do?

**Baz**

I was shocked when he launched himself at me. Don't get me wrong, I was so fucking happy, but also shocked. I just offered to be with him tonight because I know he has a lot going on with his dad and family and everything, and I know he just needed a distraction... But this shocked me.

I can feel him growing tense. I'm losing him. This isn't good. I need him to hang on. This is all going so _well_ and I know he's enjoyed being out here.

But I am losing him now. He's shaking slightly. Oh, Crowley. Is he going to have a panic attack? Oh no. What am I supposed to do?

**Simon**

I feel the sobs coming. I'm so familiar to this feeling that I can now tell when it's coming. This helps, because then I can control them and stop them when I'm at my house and around my family. But, sometimes, I just need to let it all out, y'know? I just need to cry.

A sob leaves my lips, echoing onto his and into his mouth. My hands tighten in his hair and another sob slips out of my mouth. Some tears fall down my cheeks, wetting his.

I can't do this. It's way too much. There's just too much going on right now. I break the kiss and drop my forehead onto his shoulder, letting myself cry. Oh fuck. What am I doing?

**Baz**

Okay now he's crying? Things must be worse than I suspected. I knew he wasn't telling me everything. The moment he stopped pressuring the kiss I knew there was more on his mind than just me and our kiss.

When he puts his head on my shoulder, his hands drop from my hair and rest on my shoulders, his hands clasped together behind my neck. I look down at him and tighten my arms around his waist, one hand rubbing soothing circles on his back.

He's a mess, ugly sobbing onto my shoulder at 4am in the middle of a bloody park. But y'know what? I don't mind. He lets out a sob so big, his whole bloody shakes, so I hug him closer and kiss the top of his head. Crowley. What am I doing?

**Simon**

I think... I think I'm okay now. Maybe. I think I was crying for at least half an hour. Onto his shoulder. Oh, Crowley. I've probably got snot and tears all over his jacket. I hope he doesn't hate me too bad. 

When I've calmed down some more and I can actually hear again, I hear him murmuring to me. Just soft, soothing things. Telling me its okay, and that i needed to cry. That he's sorry he pushed me tonight, that he's always here for me.

I shudder. Not just because I'm cold, but because, truth be told, I'm scared. I'm super scared. I have all that jackshit going down back at my house and then all the drama author school. And now I've just fucking _kissed_ the boy who looks after me like I'm his younger brother. I'm so scared.

**Baz**

When he shudders again, I take my spare coat lying next to me and drape it around his shoulders. He seems to appreciate the coat, as I feel him relax slightly in my arms. He has stopped crying, and is now just breathing deeply.

I run my fingers through his hair and kiss his head, rocking him slowly. I know rocking clams him down. I discovered that when we were at his house and his dad had just had a go at him. He came back to his room and was shaking so bad, he looked like he was about to cry. I just hugged him tight and rocked back and forth until he was alright.

He sighs deeply and tightens his grip on me, before lifting his head from my shoulder and looking into my eyes. He looks so fucking _scared._ I breathe in sharply when I see his face, and my heart breaks for him. Oh, Crowley. I'm scared for him. I'm so scared.

**Simon**

"Want to talk?" He asks me, rubbing his hand over my back and not breaking our eye contact.

I bite my lip and lean forward, resting my forehead against his, closing my eyes. I need a moment. He seems to understand.

"Alright. Take your time. We have ages, okay?" He kisses my nose and stays quiet while I try and figure out the mess that I call my head. I'm fucked. I know that, but I didn't realise I am _this_ fucked. Honestly. My life is so complicated and messed up and I don't know what the hell I'm doing. It takes me a while. 

I don't know how long I stay silent, trying to figure some stuff out, but I'm grateful that he isn't pushing me and he's letting me do whatever I need to do. Crowley I love him. 

Wait... What?

**Baz**

He tenses up in my arms again, the shaking subtly creeping back into his body, and I grip him tight. My open eyes look into his closed ones and around his face, a frown forming on my face. I want to help him. He's going through so much right now, and he needs me. So, I'm going to try and help him

"Hey, hey. I'm here," I say quietly, "You're okay. You're safe."

I rub his back, staring rocking again, whispering to him, telling him that he's safe in my arms, that no-one can get him. That he is safe.

I look at this boy in my arms, this small, scared boy who needs some love. Some love I want to provide. I want him to be happy and safe. I want him to love me. I love him.

**Simon**

It takes a while, but I get there.

"I... I'm sorry," I say, and he goes to interrupt me, but I put a finger to his lips and open my eyes, "Please, just... Let me talk."

I pull back and search his eyes, feeling more scared that I have in a long time. He smiles softly, one of his hands is in my hair, and he nods.

"I... I have a fucking lot going on right now. A lot. I don't know what I'm doing and I don't know why I'm doing it. Everything at home and school... It's all built up, y'know?"

He nods and kisses my nose. I take a deep breath.

"I don't know if it's because I'm super fucked up, or if its because I need someone to just kiss me and hold me, or if it's because I like you. Whichever way..." I pause and bite my lip, looking deep into his eyes.

"I'm scared."

**Baz**

My heart crumbles when I hear those words, and I bring one hand up to cup his face, stroking his tear away with my thumb.

"You've been doing amazing," I whisper, learning my forehead against his again, "You've managed to hold it together for so freaking long. I mean c'mon. When was the last time you broke down? Five weeks ago in study period at school. You've done amazing."

He smiles slightly and I kiss his cheek, still caressing the other with my thumb.

"I am so proud of you and I'm not surprised that you are scared. You have every reason to be scared and, in fact, I'd consider you a fool if you weren't scared. 

"I want you to know that I am here for you. No matter what the hell happens, I will never, _ever_ leave you, alright? Whatever you decide, whatever happens to you, whatever happens between us. I promise. I won't ever leave you."

**Simon**

"I..." I don't know what to say, but he understands. He smiles at me and pulls me close, my chin resting on his shoulder, and his on mine. I close my eyes and let the final test fall down my face, my body relaxing.

"Thank you," I eventually whisper, and he squeezes me.

"Anything for you," He whispers, and I pull back so I can look into his eyes.

"I'm scared," I say louder, "But I don't want to be scared alone. I don't... I don't want to be on my own. I don't... I..."

He knows what I'm trying to say. A smile is on his face and he brings his other hand up to my face.

"I'm scared..." I whisper again.

**Baz**

I look deep into his eyes, his big, round scared eyes and see him for who he truly is. He's terrified, the poor boy, and he's counting on me. I know that I won't let him down. I could never let him down.

"I know," I say, "I love you."

He smiles shyly, "Does... Does this mean you won't ever leave me? Or... Or give up on me?"

I shake my head, "I will never leave you or five up on you. I promise."

"I love you too," He says, and I lean forwards.

**Simon**

I'm kissing him again, and this time, I know what I'm doing. His hands are on my face, his coat around my shoulders and his lips on mine.

I don't know a lot of things, but one thing I do know is that I love Baz Pitch, and I don't ever want to let him go.

**Baz**

I can tell he feels better. He is more relaxed and is kissing back. I smile into the kiss. This time, we both know what's going on. His hands are around my shoulder, his hair falling in my face, his lips on mine.

I don't know what I would do without this boy. I love Simon Snow, and I will never let him go.

**Author's Note:**

> how was it??? im sorry if its bad but i read a fic and was SUPER INSPIRED to write this so i did imma correct it in the morning lmaooooo okay aight cool :)  
> -char


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